Boys, I love you. But today, this one is for my ladies. I am a very tall, little person, with a little junk in the trunk, and some extra on the side. That's me. My freshman year of college I spent every morning standing in front of my mirror and saying "I'm so fat." I was so afraid of gaining the "freshman 15" I lost 10 pounds my first semester. Women look in a mirror to reassure themselves. I see myself and want to feel strong, see beauty, and be worthy. What I used to see in the mirror was imperfection and I hated it. I was a detective of ugliness, and the evidence was stacking-up against me. It didn't help that my friends are beautiful. I know I'm not alone in this. Do you ever scroll through Instagram and feel jealous of the gorgeous women in your life well-up inside you? I do. I see the beautifully manicured faces and carefully modeled bodies that I couldn't be if I tried. They aren't models in magazines or celebrities in Hollywood, they are my friends. I see a lot of fingers pointed at Hollywood and the media for who is making the women of this world see ugly in the mirror. I think it's a fundamental issue older than Tyra Banks and Cosmo. What if our human desire to be perfect is the problem? Maybe air-brushing and runways is our modern-day answer for century-old insecurities. What can we do? We can fight for each other. Part of this pit of ugliness and self-hate is being in it alone. I can tell myself I'm beautiful all day, but when I'm around other women who treat me with love and respect, I know I'm worthy, and I feel beautiful. Also, let's do away with the lady-hating. No more bitches, whores, or sluts. Even when it's funny, every time we use those words we are saying "women don't matter, even to other women." Perfection is not possible, and that hurts. But imperfection is not as bad as we tell ourselves. Let's not lie and say the stretch marks on my butt are beautiful, because we all know they are not. Instead lets look in the mirror and have love for what we see. I believe God made my body, and I believe He made it to be beautiful. Not because every square-inch of my body is mcsexy, but because it is built for a purpose: to be loved, adored, and respected. Sisters, mothers, daughters, and girlfriends, we are all at different mile-markers of the same highway. Grab a hand, because we were made to love and be loved. --Don't take an exit for anything less. Below is a series of women who all weigh the same, but own different bodies. I love the picture of them all standing tall together. They are bad-ass beautiful women proudly fighting against the ugly, battling together for the beauty. It's not the number on the scale, or the meat on your hips, it's you and your girlfriends deciding to walk the path of love together. Choose beauty, because ugly isn't worth your time anyways.
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Monday morning I walked up to my Barista, she asked me what I would like today. I smiled, and like a stroke victim, said "hi welcome to red lobster, how can I help you?" That's me. Hello, my name is Lily Fairman, and I make people uncomfortable. My Barista was kind enough to overlook my craziness and continue the ordering process. However, I knew it was weird, and so did she. What about boys? For most of my life I blamed them for all the painfully awkward encounters. As I have matured I see that I am at fault for almost all of these "situations". They make for great stories, but living them is not half as fun as telling them. Someday I imagine a very confident, resilient man will be able to overlook my lack of male/female social skills. Until that day, all I can do is laugh about it. One of these classic moments was the time I spit a giant, masticated piece of pizza on Bob Marley in the eighth grade. We had gone camping that weekend, and were all happily eating pizza around the picnic table. He was one of the guys in youth group who was nice and cute enough to have every girl like him just a little bit. I have always had a problem with talking, probably always will. Eating doesn't usually change that. I was young, I was talking, and a giant piece of soggy pizza flew from my mouth onto Bob Marley's back. The worst part? He didn't notice. Even worse? Everyone else did. I panicked and reached my arm around his back to casually brush it off. He thought I was making some sort of romantic gesture. He shrugged me off! The entire table was laughing. He looked at me humiliated, and annoyed. Like I was some weird girl who liked him a little too much. What he didn't know, is that I just didn't want him to realize I was the girl who spit food on him. These moments? They're life. It happens. And we're dedicating Wednesdays to talking about them. #awkwardwednesdays Here are some of my awkward inspirations:
I started a new devotional this weekend. At the end of one of the pages I found this striking quote:
Too often do I let my life become insignificant. I dismiss moments as trivial lapses of time with no purpose or plan. I sleep-in late, I worry about money, I check my facebook ten times, I watch Netflix, I obsess over relationships. What if I seized every moment as a precious second to do something full of meaning? God is the power in-play here, but He gives me time and a life to do with as I please. As I live and make choices, they are embedded into an eternity I am apart of. This morning I woke up exhausted. When I opened my eyes, I didn't feel the peace I usually feel in the mornings. Usually I use my waking hours to rest and be comforted by God and enjoy the world while it's sleeping. As an extrovert I spend my days outputting constantly, by the time I go to bed I'm running on empty. I need those hours at the beginning of my day to just breathe. Today I let the morning getaway from me. I woke up late, I didn't have time to set my heart up for a good day. Before I had a chance to drink my coffee, I was feeling the burden of today's anxieties. On days like today I have a choice to make about my life. When I wake up and feel the temptation to sleep-in a little and skip the time I know I need, or start to worry about the things I can't change, I have a choice to make. I can choose to seize the moments I have been given to love deeply, find joy, and pursue truth. Or I can waste the seconds God deals out to satisfy my whims of selfishness. Seizing the day is a lot less about doing anything more than everyday life, and a lot more about taking every moment as a chance to invest in eternity. Today I was texting my good friend Caitlin Marshall about my awkward love life, and she was texting me about her awkward work life. We went back and forth, confessing and laughing at our own weird moments. I said we should write a book called "awkward people of America," she said, "let's make it a thing on our blogs, we could call it Awkward Wednesdays." Do you ever have awkward moments? Times when you do things that are socially unacceptable, when you ask yourself, "why do I make my life so embarrassing?" The moments I find myself saying, "Lily, get it together." Just this morning I was telling dear Caitlin about my most awkward habit. When any cute boy looks at me, or even worse, tries to speak to me, I die inside, and then do the awkwardest thing possible. This does include physically running away from the person. But does not exclude ignoring them altogether. I'm like a mean, angry nerd girl to 90% of the male population. It's terrible. And hilarious. And does not bode-well for my relationship status. [so if you like me... don't talk to me] My biggest issue is that I have learned to adapt to society enough to appear normal. I dress like a socially-acceptable person, wear makeup, straighten my hair, sometimes I can even get-out a few smooth one-liners. But it's all a lie. I'm so weird, I'm like on an expert level. I sing songs to myself all the time. They aren't even real songs, I just make them up. People catch me picking my nose and I pretend I'm not. I accidentally tag myself in Facebook photos of people I'm stalking. I stare at people. I make jokes that aren't funny. I have a really long, boring story for everything. I can't hit any category of sports ball with my hand, or foot, or face, ever. I never know when it's appropriate to talk about bowel movements. I spill stuff a lot. I always have food on my clothes, like a big hairy baby. I think I know how to dance, but I don't. I don't know how to talk to boys, and when I do, usually I'm mean to them. It feels so good to just come clean and be real. Those "get it together" moments happen to all of us, and I think we should share them with each other. Because weird, awkward moments make for the funniest stories. Also, it would make me feel like I'm not a freak. Do you ever feel awkward? What are your weird moments? #awkwardwednesdays You can find Caitlin's #awkwardwednesday post here: http://storybooklady.weebly.com/1/post/2014/01/awkwardwednesdays-its-a-new-thing.html I am always searching for ways to help connect the dots from my world to everyone else's. It's difficult, because I really love Jesus, and He makes my world different. Not better or more entitled, but the way I see things, what I believe in, how I experience life is not the same. And no set of "rules" or big white buildings do a good job of showing people what that world looks like. Obviously Jesus isn't all mine, so the life I experience isn't just mine. But 75% of the people I love wouldn't be on the same page with me when it comes to this Jesus stuff. I think this is more due to a lack of communication, and a failure to relate. Sometimes Christians make loving Jesus the most complicated thing in the world. America has created a religious context of lifestyle that has become embraced as the foundation of Christianity. By doing so, Jesus almost isn't there anymore. Recently I read a very short book called "How Good is Good Enough?" by Andy Staley. I also watched a documentary called "Beware of Christians." Both rocked my world. They make Jesus real, they pursue truth, and they discuss grace. This Jesus stuff is so much more than a religion, and these outlets go there. "How Good is Good Enough?" Andy Staley addresses the issue of being "good", how it's impossible, and according to Jesus, not a requirement. But he says it in a more profound, cool way [I promise].
And "Beware of Christians" ...well, I stayed up until four in the morning just to finish it. It's going on my top ten list. Four dudes. Cute, normal, everyday dudes, adventuring out into the world with one purpose in mind: figuring out what Jesus meant to them. They laugh, get mad, do dumb stuff, and ask the hard questions. They recognize the flaws of American Christianity and admit their own brokenness. I laughed, I cried, I was inspired. I checked if any of them were still single. Unfortunately, I was a little late. "Beware of Christians," can be found on Netflix. "How Good is Good Enough?" by Staley is $9.00 on Amazon, and the first chapter can be downloaded for free at: www.multnomahemails.com/wbmlt/pdf/How_Good_Is_Good_Enough_Andy_Stanley.pdf If you love Jesus: I think these resources could help you get your head-out of the clouds and love Jesus, and people, even better. If you don't love Jesus: I think these resources will not attempt to "convert" you in anyway. Rather, if you are at all curious about what loving Jesus looks like, I would recommend checking them out. If you don't know: cool beans. I would say,what could it hurt? I think being unsure is a sign of sanity. Eternity, faith, and Jesus... it's real, it's beautiful, it's big, and a lot of it feels invisible. lean in, be curious, see what happens. I don't know anything about marriage, except that my friends dig it. Stars of 2014 will include the unions of: Mack and Haley Lamon, Mike and Amanda Giffith, and of course the lovely Beau and Caitlin Marshall. These are just the weddings I will be joyfully involved in and fan-girling at, I can promise many more to be attended this year. When I was little I thought about getting married, a LOT. Actually, lets be honest, I still think about it quite a bit. But the daydreams of weddings are usually all about being the center of attention and having a party. Experiencing all the love stories my friends are in, it brings me out of the daydreams. Each of them have their own stories they could never have planned out. With each girl I remember sleepovers and car rides where there were tears shed and hearts poured out on behalf of the guy who might not exist or the guy who didn't quite like them yet. Even Cait, who kept a pretty cool exterior, I'm sure had her days of wondering. It's so funny how society teaches women, and maybe men too I don't know, to feel incomplete without a love story. I watch so many women force themselves into relationships in hopes of creating a story to mimic the daydreams of romance they have been refining for decades. But what makes me smile, is that almost every love story you hear of, was never planned-out or schemed before-hand. Rather, in almost every story, it takes people by surprise again and again. These days I hear a lot about apps and websites like match.com, tango, fill in the blank. People always ask me why I'm not on there, trying to fish someone out of the world that just may make me happy. It's because in my experience, real life happens when we aren't so busy trying to control it. I love movies. My favorite parts are the bloopers, because they're real. Instead of a scripted scene of people pretending to be someone else, gag reels show a group of actors being themselves. They curse, they joke, they get tired, they show who they are. I think it is the same in our unscripted moments. That's when real life, real love happens. So, a toast to the love celebrated this year, To the unscripted moments. credit to bobbyearl.com Dear friends, peace be with you! It's been a long season of hard days for me. Coming out of the brokenness, I can honestly say there is always hope in the darkest places. What I have found this year is a hard day offers two choices: 1. be a victim 2. be a victor Before I talk about my experiences with these choices, I want to define them.
"I didn't know better" "the people in my life are inadequate" "work is too much" "school is too hard" "I have no control" "I can't help that bad things happen to me" "this isn't fair" "I deserve more"
"I admit, this is not fun" "what can I control in this situation?" "what do I need to grieve?" "this is hard, what will it take to make it through?" "what do I need to heal?" "who can I go to?" "who can I invest in?" "how can I take responsibility?" "what is permanent? what can't I change?" "I am broken, I accept my part" "how can I be thankful?" "how can I make do with what I have?" "what is the truth?" I spent most of my life thinking like a victim. My hard days were always due to the harshness of the world, or the disappointing people in my life. I never had control of my rock-bottoms. I was angry with the unfair cards I had been dealt, because I deserved better. Until this year I never understood what I could do instead. There was an alternative to being a victim. I could be the victor of my life by accepting what I can't control, and changing what I can. I learned that a victor cries, a victor feels the pain of a hard day, and a victor uses their brokenness to become great. It's not who you are on the good days, but on the worst days of your life that define the person you are choosing to be. We don't always choose what happens to us, but we always have a say in who we are becoming. The hard days will never be easy. No matter what advice you get, or who your friends are, or if you love Jesus, there will be days where you will feel like you just can't anymore. What I have found is the beautiful metamorphosis that occurs when on those days you go to battle. Instead of playing the victim, play the victor. It hurts a little bit more, but you will feel free for the first time in your life. The truth is always harder to accept. But living a life that embraces your brokenness and makes do with what you've got, even if it's totally unfair, is a life that brings far more joy. Food for thought: Are you a victim, Or a victor? The hardest arithmetic to master is that which enables us to count our blessings. – Eric Hoffer Give thanks. This year has been one of the most meaningful of my life. From November of 2012 to Today, a lot has taken place in my heart. In August this year my parents came out to visit me, taking advantage of their time on the same continent. My dad and I always have very long conversations in the car when we visit. Well, anywhere actually. I love to talk, and my dad loves to listen and occasionally saying something very meaningful and intuitive. During their visit we were having one of these conversations and I commented on how much our family had changed over the years [immediate and extended]. I went on to describe my respect for these family members and how my value and appreciation for them had changed because they were so different. My dad lovingly smiled and said something very wise, as he often does, "maybe it's you that has changed." It was. I changed. The content and condition of my heart had transformed and taken on a new identity. That's why this Thanksgiving feels different to me. This Thanksgiving I am thankful for.... 1. College. I have never been so happy to receive an education. I genuinely, no matter how tired I am, feel joy and gratitude being able to attend every class and learn what I can. It is such a blessing, and I am beyond blessed to be able to go to Corban University. 2. Corban University's provost Mat Lucas The digest version: Dr. Lucas believed in me when no one should have, and it changed my life. 3. My parents. I am not the best daughter, I make mistakes,and I don't always call, and they never stop loving me. I get to have two great role models. If I could find a guy like my dad, I would be marrying the best guy I could get. They are always extending grace towards me and reminding me who I should be living my life for. Life is much more peaceful and blessed with their leadership and love. 4a. Younglife doing life with highschool people that constantly fill my heart with love and make me pee my pants with laughter. And yes, my glasses are orange, that's how we do. #boom (many, many, many, MANY faces not pictured. all of whom I dearly love and am equally thankful for) 4b. My head leader, Caitlin. Pictured above with her mouth wide open, caitlin is as close to an older sister as I will ever get. I wear her hand-me-downs like they're cashmere, she gives me good advice, and we have shared a pillow a time or two. I love her a lot and am so blessed to be lead by her and live life together. Also, I'm really excited she's getting married. 5. The ridiculous amount of people I get to have as best friends. I wish I could sit down and write a page for every person near and dear to my heart, but it would be a novel before I finished. This is what I will say, the people in my life love me in my brokenness in ways I don't understand. It is simple, beautiful, and sometimes I am overwhelmed by it. When I moved to Salem, Oregon, I never expected to be surrounded by so many people who cared that I existed. Here's to adventures, because you never know where they'll take you. [below are a teaspoon of the faces that I'm thankful for] 6. The Staley Family (Addie, pictured above, front and center) I love the Staley's! someday I will make it out to the family farm to meet the whole family, but so far miss Addie and Sydney have been a very joyful part of my college experience. Addie, my kids are going to thank you someday, when I know how to rock them. Thanks for teaching me to love babies. Sydney, you helped me fall in love with Chinese all over again! You were an answer to prayer, this year I needed something fun to do once a week. Teaching you Chinese is a blessing, and it makes me feel special. So thank you. Stephanie, thank you for sharing your beautiful girls with me! 7. The Reno Family Another family who blesses me. Sarah taught me defensive driving, and let me use her car to get my license. She gives me rides to church and lets me hangout with her kids. I have loved living life with your family Sarah! Your daughters are precious, and I love being the big sister. You made church feel like home to me, and that means a lot. [Below- Lily Reno and I hanging out at church] 8. My church! Court Street Christian Church is a diamond in the ruff. I grew up going to church, and not hating it. In college, I had a hard time finding a church that felt like home. I wanted to go to church because I loved being there, not because it was what the rules said to do, or because all my friends went. Somewhere I felt known and wanted. A place I could be myself and be a part. Through Wednesday night childcare, I discovered a home at Court Street. That family has meant a lot to me this year, and I am thankful for the opportunity to be included. 9. Mi familia My parents, my sister, my aunts, my uncles, my beautiful cousins, my grandparents, I am so thankful for all of them. I am thankful for family who loves each other no matter the time or distance we have separating us. A special shout-out to my aunt misty and grandma and grandpa houtcooper, who have me over whenever I need time at home, and always shower me with love. I am so blessed to grow-up with a family that is not perfect, but determined to love each other, even when it's really hard. Also, cousins are probably my favorite kind of family member. They are the best. 10. Coffee Starbucks was a ministry to my heart this year. Many days were changed by pumpkin spice lattes and frappuccinos. 11. My roommate across the hall Her name is Taylor Tuepker. And she is a daily encouragement. We get through life together, and when I'm annoying, she loves me anyways. When I start acting crazy, she loves me enough to tell me. Sharing a bathroom with this bundle of love, sass, grace, truth, fun, and wisdom is quite a treat. 12. Work I am so thankful to have a job! Not only that, a job with coworkers who quickly became best friends. Best friends that support me and cheer me up when I come in from a long day at school. 13. My Hamster I love him so much! 14. Fanny Way I live in a spacious house, with heating, a huge room to myself, and 7 wonderful ladies who all love Jesus. It's pretty cool. My roommates are understanding, loving, layed-back, respectful, and silly. I like them. 15. Curling wands I think we can all agree that my hairstyles have taken a big leap forward this year with the introduction of curling wands to my life. And that, is something I am thankful about. 16. My lab partner, Kim Kim is my lab partner. I think we're friends too. She has made every Tuesday bearable this semester. Its been a blessing to have such a fun companion to tackle physics with at 7:30 in the morning. 17. Public Transportation The bus is my best friend. I am so grateful for the ability to make it to class by bus. I wish I knew who was responsible for changing the bus times so I could make it to my 7:30 am lab...because I want to tell them how much that meant to me. One blessing of not having a car, this middle-class white girl has learned to depend on and love public transportation. Stereotypes broken, huzzah. 18. Sara Comstock Sara has been willing to get to know me this semester, and in between my clusters of thoughts, share her wisdom and stories. I appreciate it, and it's been a blessing to have such a successful professor, woman, mom, and scientist be willing to walk through life with me. 19. Jesus Short and sweet, Jesus changes my life everyday and it is cool. If that sounds crazy to you, it's ok with me. ...that's all folks. There is abundantly more for me to be thankful for. But those are the highlights for this year. Happy Thanksgiving! I wish I could teach classes on traveling and life abroad. There is a lot you learn trotting around the world that sits in your brain, rotting away. Unfortunately, society is not very friendly to world travelers. Because once you have seen the world, you change. The change you experience comes from an understanding of reality. An unwelcome change. For example, the first time you see starving children. I remember, I was 8. I looked back behind our tuktuk on the outskirts of Chiang Mai, Thailand. and there were four children, running behind us. You can see the starvation of a person in their eyes. Their young brown eyes and small bodies were desperate. It was grotesque, heart-breaking, confusing, and did not fit into anything I had experienced so far in my life time. That was the beginning of an education I would not be able to share with everyone. When I graduated from high-school and moved on to college I quickly realized that no one wanted to hear my stories. And I couldn’t blame them. They weren’t there, their worlds were 1/5 the size of mine. Why would they want to hear about a life that to them, didn’t even exist? This phenomena still gets me today. What is it about America that makes us so uninterested in the world? To an extreme that we are almost offended by the reality of the nations that surround us? Why do we make assumptions about the lives and cultures of others because we are too scared to find out for ourselves? The most opinionated people I meet are the people who have never left the country. Isn’t that fascinating? Ironically, I hear so many young people who tell me they want to travel the world. What they mean, is that they are interested in gaining the social status of a world traveler, without the inconvenience of actually learning about the world and how it works. I know because I watched American tourists on vacation my entire life. They are fat, loud, obnoxious, and entitled. They are the reason most countries have a booming prostitution business. American tourists can travel a country for three weeks and leave without spending a second talking to someone from that country. They are simply transported from building to building. And we call this “experiencing the world.” As I write this I realize I began this post speaking out of my own frustration of being unheard. Now I realize my story may not be necessary to hear. However, the worlds story is waiting, and I’m afraid you’re missing it. please please please, take a second to think about your world view. Have you even tried to care about anything but your own surroundings? There is a world out there. And yes, it is easier to pretend it doesn’t exist. It feels better to be opinionated about places and people you don’t even know about. Do the hard thing. Go look some starving kids in the face. Read a book. Talk to someone who doesn’t speak English. You want to call yourself a traveler?
I am a people pleaser. My soul finds happiness and belonging in others. I love to love on other people. Strangely, I enjoy loving strangers, sometimes more than my own friends. Its an odd source of joy that comes from the happenings of my story. Somehow my experiences taught me to find value in helping others. In the love, appreciation, and trust others have for me. My deepest desire is to please everyone, to bring contentment and satisfaction to the people around me. In a broken world like this, with the brokenness inside of me, I have come to realize that the desires of my heart to please people often hurt more than they heal. Through this journey I have found myself fall sick to a disease that I think many people like me struggle with. The disease of self-denial. In my past I have consumed myself so much in the lives of others, that I have been able to hide from my brokenness. I have let my own personal needs, wants, and dreams become second to my desire to please others. I have compromised my own opinions to make amends and keep friendships. People like me, we tell ourselves that we need to deny ourselves to truly love others. What I have found is that the moment you stop caring about your own well being, is the moment you are unable to pour into the people around you. When you decide to please people you are committing yourself to a relationship that is not based on truth. You are committing to relationships that start-out life-giving and end bitter, awkward, and strained. You are trying to heal others with love you alone don't have to give. There are some truths I have learned to grab onto:
A wise woman I knew a few years back told me about a much older lady she knew. This old lady was widowed at a younger age of fifty and lived alone. But she mentored my friend and she would tell her, "always treat yourself the way you would treat a guest." This beautiful old soul made a gourmet dinner every night, just for herself. She would use linen table clothes and set the table with her favorite dishes. I love that. Friends, these are some simple thoughts from a health science major. I don't know what I'm doing when it comes to this writing stuff. This is to my fellow people-pleasers, Because we're all in this together. |
AuthorMy name is Lily. Archives
October 2016
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