My path has ever looked like what I wanted it to. I'm not a planner like "I'm going to do ____ by 2019", but I am a dreamer & a level 10 control freak. I have a specific idea of who I want to be and where I want my life to go.
I snapped a photo of this city-scape 10 years ago out the window of a taxi in Urumqi, China. I look at this now, and it makes me ache. I spent the entire time I lived in China not wanting to be there. I didn't appreciate the beauty. I didn't take advantage of every adventure. I wasted many opportunities sulking in my room or messaging my friends in the states. When I was 17 I started school @Corban Univeristy. I loved science. I knew I was going to kill it in pre-Med and become a hot-shot doctor. People would respect me, I would have the resources to travel & do anything I wanted. I was going to live the mother loving dream. Instead I failed out my senior year. Everyone who bet against me, I proved them right. My dreams about success were dead wrong. I was just some loser girl with a bike who worked at Red Lobster. Each year of my early 20s I told myself "this is the year." This is the year I'm going to find my guy. Every boyfriend was my forever, until they weren't. Throughout my childhood into college my friendships were carried-out in body bags. I longed for community and friends. My insecurity & neediness drove anyone away from me quite quickly. I kindly give anyone in this state the title of "love monster." People so deprived of relationship they will devour any love they are able to locate. Picture a human PAC-man. He never has enough of those dots. I spent years as a consumer, devastated that my friendships didn't last. Confused why no one stuck around. By the time college happened, I had outgrown many of these patterns. But I was scarred. Every friendship defined my worth. I was determined to be like-able and relevant. I wanted to feel included and important. Instead of investing in the friendships I had, I was always a step ahead. Trying to win-over everyone. I felt that if I was loved by many, I would finally arrive. In school, in love, in friendship; I nose-dived as I failed to "make it all happen." The more I tried to control my outcomes, the more dissatisfied I was with my results. This year in August I turn 26. There is one thing that I have discovered as I get older; the awareness of time. Time is the highest commodity out there, not even matched by money itself. While I spent the past decade wishing my life was different, my life HAPPENED. Time doesn't wait for us to be satisfied with our situation. I stole years from myself, crying in the car over my precious plans. When I die, which I will, I don't want a movie of my life to show a sad girl who does nothing but mourn what could or should have been. If I could tell every young person in the world one thing it would be "don't waste the time you have wishing your life was different!" When I look back, I have missed out on so much because I was busy trying to "make my life happen." The friends I could have had if I had stopped being so obsessed with dating.[Which is hilarious, because I could not be more single.] The pain I would have avoided by embracing what and who I was in the moment. The education & opportunities I turned down because I wasn't present; I wasn't checked-in to my own life. If you're reading this and you're feeling me, join me. Join me in taking the time we have seriously. No complaining, no whining, Using every God-given moment to be extraordinary. Ask me in 4 years what I did for the last of my 20s. I'll tell you how God used me, how He grew me, and hopefully- how I didn't waste a single second.
1 Comment
Dad
5/10/2017 07:18:02 pm
Praise God that He gives us time and uses us in time ... even before we learn to use it well. You are 20 years ahead of me and I praise God for your lie and wisdom.
Reply
Leave a Reply. |
AuthorMy name is Lily. Archives
October 2016
Categories |